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The best jokes and joke writers!

Mortuary Answering Machine

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Welders and Prostitutes

Q: What do welders and prostitutes have in common?

A: You usually find them in awkward positions screaming for more rod & money.

Public Stock

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, "What's going on?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

Happy Monday

Q: What do you call a person who's happy on Monday?

A: Retired.

Bad Waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What," answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"