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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Blonde Farmer!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a blonde farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.  The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"  The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."  "How?" asks the man, puzzled.  "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"

A Perfect Circle

Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles?

A: A Protractor

Wisdom

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens, look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Try To Grow Chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks."That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again.
"I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied.
"If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.
"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Not Raising Hogs

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain. Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Jean Partridge