Speeding

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!" 

A Blonde Is Speeding

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

Puns Galore

• We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.
• My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
• A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.
• A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."
• Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.
• A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks: "Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"
• Perforation is a rip-off!
• A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded. And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job. And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.
• Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.