Calvinist Lightbulbs

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be the one that has been chosen to be changed.

Signs And Notices Around England

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

• Sign in a Laundromat; Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
• Sign in a London department store: Bargain Basement upstairs.
• In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.
• Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag DIY.
• In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
• On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is to be kept locked because of the draft, please use side entry.)
• Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
• Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Beethoven's Ninth Game

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks.'' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other: ''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end.''
They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded.''