It Drives Them Nuts

Q: How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
A: Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Room Rates

Bridegroom: How much for the room?
Hotel Clerk: Twenty dollars a piece.
Bridegroom: Okay. Here's $140.

Emotion Costume Party

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in. A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in. Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear. "Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!" The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm f**king dis-custard." The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."