Fourth Marriage

An eighty year old woman was getting married for the fourth time. A newspaper was interviewing her about her previous marriages. She said she got married the first time when she was twenty to a banker. Then, in her forties she married a three ring circus leader. Then she married a preacher. And now she's marring a funeral home director.  The lady replied, when I look back at my previous marriages, I see one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

UPS Delivery

Q: What did the pregnant UPS worker say to her boss?
A: I have to deliver a baby.

Steven Wright Collection

• I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
• My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
• I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't. Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."