Excuse For Speeding
A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? Officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me."
Military Motor Pool
The phone rings at the military motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know how many vehicles are operational. Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in." There is a stony silence. "Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice. "No," says Paddy. "It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to." "Well, do you know who you are talking to?" "No," roars the colonel. "Well thank goodness for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone.
Virginia Football Players
Q: If you have a Virginia Tech football player and a UVA Football player in the same car at the same time, who drives?
A: The state trooper!!"
Double Meaning Sign
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!" "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
New Driver in the Famiy
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family walked out to the driveway and climbed in the car so he could take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."