New Driver in the Famiy
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family walked out to the driveway and climbed in the car so he could take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Safest Way to Drive
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
One day a little old nun was driving 35 miles an hour down the highway. A cop pulls her over because she was so slow and asked her why she wasn't going faster. She points at a sign by the side of the road that said highway 35 on it, saying she thought that was the speed limit. The cop laughs and tells her that it was highway number 35.
Then looking in the back seat, the cop notices two nuns looking very frightened. He asks them what was wrong and they said, "We just got off highway 130!"
Souped Up Lincoln
A rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.
The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, "What aret hose thangs?"
The driver says, "Those are golf tees."
The redneck asks, "What those are for?"
The driver says "Those hold my balls when I drive."
The redneck says, "Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!"
Q: Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
A: It had a nervous breakdown!