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The best jokes and joke writers!

Snakes Solves Problems

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers? 

Voice Activated Radio

I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this! He said, Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" He continued... and On The Road Again came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "Nincompoops!!!? I yelled... The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax... I LOVE this car!

The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

  1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."
  2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
  3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
  4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
  5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."
  6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
  7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
  8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"
  9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

Ran Out of Gas

While driving down the road a man ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a Bee flew in his window. The Bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" " I'm out of  gas," replied the man. The Bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. " Try it now," exclaimed the Bee! The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. " Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you do?" " Ahhh, it was easy," said the Bee. We just filled it up with "BP "

Blonde's New Sportscar

A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again. "What was the matter?" she asks. "Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies. Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"