State of Mississippi
A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse -- 10 miles." He decides to stop in. A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore. The madam says, "I'll need $500 first." The man pays, then asks about his whore again. The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall." He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"
The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
Blonde's New Sportscar
A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again. "What was the matter?" she asks. "Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies. Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"
You Bought It, You Have To Live With It
An eight year old boy was walking down the road one day when a car pulled over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again.
"How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" the man said.
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
Dealing With Heavy Traffic
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.