Are You From America?
During a business trip to China, I was browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member timidly approached me. "Excuse me," she said. "Are you American?" "Yes, I am," I answered. "What state are you from?" she asked. "Texas, " I replied proudly. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, obviously disappointed. "I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English."
Idiot Insurance Forms
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The 3 Guys in a Plane
There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.They each had to throw one item out: The 1st guy threw out an apple. The 2nd one threw out a banana. The 3rd one threw out a bomb. There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing. A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "an apple hit me on the head." He went up to the 2nd one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "a banana hit me on the head." He went up to the 3rd one and asked, "Why are you laughing?" He answered, "I farted and my house blew up!"
Saving The Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere'
going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Q: What happened when the man crashed his car into the tree?
A: He saw how his Mercedes bends.