Top Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
9. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
8. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
7. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax"
6. "Peyote Ugly"
5. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
4. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
3. "Field of Limbs"
2. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve
1. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"

Great Truths About Life

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Difference Between Men & Women

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.