Who Said That?
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said."Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked." Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."
Top 10 Things Bowe Bergdahl Learned from the Taliban
10. It’s normal to own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
9. Most of his Taliban friends have more wives than teeth.
8. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
7. You believe vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. If you don’t like what someone else is doing, you simply declare Jihad against them.
5. You believe television is dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
4. You forget that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
3. You often utter the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
2. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
1. It’s not unusual to have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
No Televisions in Afghanistan
Q: Why are there no televisions in Afghanistan?
A: Because of the Telly-ban!
Q: How do you stop a taliban tank?
A: Shoot the guy pushing it.
One Way Ticket
Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?