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Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."

Luke and Obi-Wan

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

Modems vs Women

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

  1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
  2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
  3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
  4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
  5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
  6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
  7. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
  8. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
  9. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
  10. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
  11. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
  12. Modems come with an instruction manual.
  13. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Demons' Favorite Sitcom

Q: What is the demons' favorite TV sitcom?

A: Fiends!

Pliers

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.