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The best jokes and joke writers!

Macintosh Computers

Macintosh stands for... Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

Stupid Insults

  • His pointers are null / uninitialized.
  • His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  • His reaction time is longer than his attention span. 
  • His root file system isn't mounted.
  • His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
  • His shared libraries aren't installed.
  • His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
  • His spark can't jump the gap.
  • His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
  • His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
  • His strings aren't null-terminated.
  • His strip is demagnetized.
  • His system administrator is never in.
  • His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
  • His URL denies outside access.
  • His watch dog is sleeping.
  • His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
  • Hitler's evil twin.
  • Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
  • Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
  • I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
  • If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
  • If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
  • If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
  • If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
  • If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  • If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
  • If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
  • If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
  • If he donated his brain to science, it'd set civilization back 50 years.

Things You Don't Want Your System Admin To Say

  1. Uh-oh...
  2. Oh S***!
  3. What the heck?!?
  4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
  5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
  6. Wow!! Look at this...
  7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
  8. Terminated?!?
  9. What software license?!?
  10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
  11. Wow...that seemed fast...
  12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
  13. Management says...
  14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
  15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
  16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
  17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
  18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
  19. Where's the DIR command?
  20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
  21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
  22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
  23. Do you smell something?
  24. What's that grinding sound?
  25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
  26. I don't think it should be doing that...
  27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
  28. You might as well all go home early today...
  29. My leave starts tomorrow.
  30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
  31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
  32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
  33. Hmmm, curious...
  34. Well, MY files were backed up.
  35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
  36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
  37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
  38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
  39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
  40. We're standardizing on AIX.
  41. Wonder what THIS command does?
  42. What did you say your user name was?

Message to Thief

Message to whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. 

I will find you.

You have my Word!

Computer Errors

To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.