Technology Jokes - Computer Jokes

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here's a few:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ''I'll have that monkey please.'' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in 'C' very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does he do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?'' The shopkeeper shrugged and said, ''Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't actually seen him do anything, but he says he's a SAP consultant.''

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:_______________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers try to fix it for you? Yes __ No __
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes __ No __
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No __
14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes __ No __
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.________________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?_______________________________________________
18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?________________________________________________________________
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes __ No __
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes __ What's a VCR? __
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes __ No __
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes __ No __
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes __ No __
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes __ No __
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes __ No __
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes __ Not Yet __
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __

If Microsoft made toasters, every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel counter-top), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.