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Stupid Questions

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity:

 

Grand Canyon National Park...

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

 

Everglades National Park...

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

 

Denali National Park (Alaska)...

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

 

Mesa Verde National Park...

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

 

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

 

Yosemite National Park...

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

 

Yellowstone National Park...

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Baseball Nuns

Three nuns went to a baseball game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men were frustrated because their habits were blocking their view. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. ''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man. "I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' "I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. "Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."

Things Never Said By A Southerner

Things never said by a southerner

  • Duct tape won't fix that.
  • Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
  • We don't keep firearms in the house.
  • You can't feed that to the dog.
  • The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
  • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • We're vegetarians.
  • Do you think my gut is too big?
  • Honey, we don't need another dog.
  • Who's Richard Petty?
  • We could just share a small bag of pork rinds.
  • Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  • Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
  • The tires on that truck are too big.
  • I've got it all on the C drive.
  • There's too much sugar in this tea.
  • Checkmate.
  • I believe you cooked those greens too long.

Unusual State Laws

It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
Connorsville, Wisconsin

It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.
Willowdale, Oregon

It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
Oblong, Illinois
(Editor's note: Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.
Alexandria, Minnesota

A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.
Ames, Iowa

There is a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.
Bozeman, Montana

An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.
Newcastle, Wyoming

A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.
Illinois

Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
Merryville, Missouri
(Editor's note: This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)

Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Helena, Montana

It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.
Carlsbad, New Mexico

State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Florida

Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."
Cleveland, Ohio

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Tremont, Utah

North V. South

  • The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.
  • The North has coffeehouses. The South has Waffle Houses.
  • The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
  • The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
  • The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
  • The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
  • The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
  • The North has the Mafia. The South has NASCAR.
  • The North has Indy car races. The South has Swamp Buggy races.
  • The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal. The South has grits.
  • The North has green salads. The South has collard greens and chitlins.
  • The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
  • The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores. The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners.
  • The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
  • The North has Dan Quayle. The South has Bill Clinton.