Play as James Bond

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

Die Hard Fans

A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

Speak

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"