Seminars for a woman
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:
- General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
- GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
- GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
- GE104: How to Parallel Park
- GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
- GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
- GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
- Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
- HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
- HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
- HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
- HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
- HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
- Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
- IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
- IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
- IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
- IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
- IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
Three Wise Women...
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!
Smart to Cross the River
Three Blonde men escaped from a jail. As they were running from the police, they ran into a river. The first man dropped to his knees and prayed that God would make him smart so that he could get across the river. He was immediately turned into a redhead and made a raft to get across the river. Soon, he escaped. The second man began to pray that God would make him smarter than the man before him, and was turned in to a brunette. He made a boat and rode across the river to safety. The third man asked God to make him smarter than the first two men and was turned into a woman. Smiling, she (he) got up and walked across the bridge!!
You have to read the whole thing -- Home Economics
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
- Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
- Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
- Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
- Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
- Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
- Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
- Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
- The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
- Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
- Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
- Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
- Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
- Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
- Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
- Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
- Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
- Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
- The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
Men are from Earth
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.