The Honeymoon's Over!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" "Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

Things Men Don't Say

• Let's watch Lifetime.
• Sex is overrated.
• I don't want to go too far on the first date.
• Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
• Don't we owe your mother a visit?
• I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
• Dessert goes right to my hips.
• I hate when I miss Oprah.
• Does this suit make me look fat?
• I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

One Wish to Each

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette. The third blonde ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man.