Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
 
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
 
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
 
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
 
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
 
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
 
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
 
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
 
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
 
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"
 
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
 
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
 
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
 
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
 
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

A Hearing Problem

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20' behind her and asked  "Can you hear me sweetheart?' No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again.  No reply. 5' and not a word.  A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."

The Woman's Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."