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The best jokes and joke writers!

Virginity

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Old Maid Sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Birth Of A Candy Bar

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped........... Baby Ruth!

A Farmer's Fiddle

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. "How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" "I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." "It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."

Giuseppi Knows All?

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?" The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."