Short Guide To Religions

• Taoism: Shit happens.
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
• Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
• Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
• Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
• Hinduism: This shit happened before.
• Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
• Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
• T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
• Atheism: No shit.
• Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
• Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
• Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
• Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
• Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
• Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Religious Truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Little Johnny and the Preacher's Lost Skill

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.  "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.  Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."  The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked, and pulled, and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.  Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."  "Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."  The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you!"