Holy Water: The Cure-All
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "Father, Father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!"
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies, "Flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!"
Three nuns went to a baseball game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men were frustrated because their habits were blocking their view. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. ''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man. "I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' "I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. "Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."
Nun Attacked by Gorilla
Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house. Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally. Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo. She said, "Of course not". The younger nun asked "Did it hurt?" The sister replied "Of course! He never called and he never wrote."
Lord, Forgive Me
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Q: How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw the light bulb and the other to screw the altar boy in the corner!