Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!'
Henry Ford and God
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.'' The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
... just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
Q: What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor's tree. They decided to go to a nearby cemetery to share the loot equally. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell but they didn't bother to pick them since they had plenty more in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying, "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church for the priest. " Father, please come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing souls at the cemetery." They both ran back to the cemetery gate and again heard the voice. "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What about the two at the gate?"
Deep Sea Fishing
A fishing crew is out in the deep sea. They've been fishing there every day for three months, but they never catch anything. Desperate and all out of ideas, the captain decides to ask God to help him. "God," he shouts to the heavens, "Every day my men cast their nets, and every day they bring them back empty. All our careers are on the line, Lord. Please, let us catch some fish, and I promise to give up swearing."
Nothing happens, so he decides to continue praying.
"I will also stop lying! I will stop cheating on my wife! I will stop gambling! Lord, please let us catch some fish! That is all I ask!"
Nothing happens again, so he decides to pray some more.
"Lord, I will never sin again! I will give food to the hungry! I will give money to the poor! I will go to church every Sunday! I will not touch alcohol, Lord! I will not smoke! I will become a priest! I will make sure all my men become priests! Let us catch just one fish, Lord, and-"
Before he could finish his sentence, the boat began to rock. Thousands of fish were teeming below the water's surface, filling the nets to bursting point. The crew cast their nets into the sea, and each time they came back overflowing with fish. Soon, they had enough to feed their whole town ten times over.
The captain glanced to heaven again and said, "Never mind, we found some."