Praying for a Bicycle
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.
Glad You Prayed
Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, "I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!" Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother. He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins! Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?" Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"
Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!'
Henry Ford and God
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.'' The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
... just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
Q: What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.