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The best jokes and joke writers!

Orange Split

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor's tree. They decided to go to a nearby cemetery to share the loot equally. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell but they didn't bother to pick them since they had plenty more in the bag.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying, "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church for the priest. " Father, please come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing souls at the cemetery." They both ran back to the cemetery gate and again heard the voice. "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What about the two at the gate?"

Deep Sea Fishing

A fishing crew is out in the deep sea. They've been fishing there every day for three months, but they never catch anything. Desperate and all out of ideas, the captain decides to ask God to help him. "God," he shouts to the heavens, "Every day my men cast their nets, and every day they bring them back empty. All our careers are on the line, Lord. Please, let us catch some fish, and I promise to give up swearing."

Nothing happens, so he decides to continue praying.

"I will also stop lying! I will stop cheating on my wife! I will stop gambling! Lord, please let us catch some fish! That is all I ask!"

Nothing happens again, so he decides to pray some more.

"Lord, I will never sin again! I will give food to the hungry! I will give money to the poor! I will go to church every Sunday! I will not touch alcohol, Lord! I will not smoke! I will become a priest! I will make sure all my men become priests! Let us catch just one fish, Lord, and-"

Before he could finish his sentence, the boat began to rock. Thousands of fish were teeming below the water's surface, filling the nets to bursting point. The crew cast their nets into the sea, and each time they came back overflowing with fish. Soon, they had enough to feed their whole town ten times over.

The captain glanced to heaven again and said, "Never mind, we found some."

Live To Be 100

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?" God said, "I didn't recognize you".

God The Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Why Man Created First

Q: Why did God create men first?

A: Because we learn from mistakes.