Protestant to Catholic Conversion
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: "You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic!" And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying: "You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish!"
A shy priest greets the wedding guests at the Church. He's very nervous and doesn't say much. As the Bride and Groom approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best homily anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is again extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that homily!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "But that was just my altar ego."
A Catholic Litany
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice :"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."
The Spiritual Leader
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Youngman, you're much too young to smoke!" The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!" The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say that to me, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for millions of people, young man, the representative of God, and you dare to say that to me?' No, no, no, kid, Fuck You!"
Put Your Pants On Backwards
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many." The boy said, ''My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!" The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."