Priest Vs Rabi Confession
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." The priest asked "How many times?" The woman replies "Three times." "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest again asked "What did you do?" The woman answered "I committed adultery." Again he asks "How many times?" "Three times." He tells her "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The Rabbi asks "What did you do?" This woman too answers "I committed adultery." The Rabbi asks "How many times?" the woman responds "Just once." He tells her "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
A Priest and a Lawyer Go for a Walk
A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flanagan. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father..." They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"
Army of the Lord
A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."
Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
A: Popeye beat the shit out of him!"