Black Friday Line Talk

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are waiting to check-out in a long Black Friday line and begin bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team." "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

Answered Prayers

The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The Pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.

Two Elves

Two elves walk into Santa's office. Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in our factory?" Santa checks a list then says, "I'm sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the factory."
Gary looks at Larry and asks, "Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all?" Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, "I'm sorry Gary, but there aren't any elf nuns in the North Pole."
Larry finally busts out laughing and says, "Gary fucked a penguin, Gary fucked a penguin!