Get Out of Bed

It was 5:00 a.m and the father went to his son, Shawn's bedroom door, knocked and said, "Son, it's time to get up. Jump in the shower and we've got to leave ASAP to catch any fish." Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn't up. Furious the dad pounded on his son's bedroom door a second time and yelled, "Jesus rose from the dead and you can't even get out of bed!" To which the son replies, "Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!!"

Lightning Just Struck

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recognize you." 

It is Written in the Bible!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"