Religion Jokes

A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest, “Father, I have sinned; I was golfing yesterday and I cursed.” The priest replies, “Would you like to tell me about it?” “Well,” the guy says. “I was on the seventh hole, and I’d just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, and a long way out there. Feeling pretty good about myself, I walked toward my ball, but as I got within thirty feet of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball.” The priest interrupts, “Oh, I see, that’s when you cursed.” The man replies, “No, Father, I didn’t curse then. But as the squirrel was running away, it reached the edge of the fairway and was quickly caught by a hawk, which flew up high into the air.” Once again the priest interrupts, “So that’s when you cursed?” The man continues, “No, Father, the hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it dropped the squirrel out of its talons, causing the squirrel to drop my ball about three feet from the pin.”  The priest says: "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt."

Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell. Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty. Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out "Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A: A holy roller

A man from Illinois left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick text message. Unfortunately there was a glitch in the SMS messaging system and his text message was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow read the text message, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the message on her phone: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here."