An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by. My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table. My girlfriend glared at me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her?" To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968, perhaps?"
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things." "True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should pre-decease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"
When Man Is Smartest
Q: Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
A: Because he's plugged into a woman!
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.