Shy Priest

A shy priest greets the wedding guests at the Church. He's very nervous and doesn't say much. As the Bride and Groom approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best homily anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is again extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that homily!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "But that was just my altar ego."

Job For Mom

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents. In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman. When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the bride came rushing through the door. "Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!" "It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you." "Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother. "Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!" "It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you." When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom. "Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!" "Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"

Reporting In

Best man reading a telegram: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."