A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?" The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, that's impossible, try another wish," the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman, "then I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on." The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says, "Show me that fucking map again."
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?"
To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
A Girl Goes in for Heart Surgery
A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What!?" and started crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."
The Wishing Well
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said, "Cool! It really works"!
The good, bad, and ugly!
- Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
- Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
- Ugly: You're in them
- Good: Your husband understands fashion
- Bad: He's a cross-dresser
- Ugly: He looks better than you
- Good: Your son's finally maturing
- Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
- Ugly: So are you
- Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
- Bad: She keeps interrupting
- Ugly: With corrections
- Good: Your wife's not talking to you
- Bad: She wants a divorce
- Ugly: She's a lawyer
- Good: The postman's early
- Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
- Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
- Good: Your daughter got a new job
- Bad: As a hooker
- Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
- Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
- Good: You're son is dating someone new
- Bad: It's another man
- Ugly: He's you're best friend
- Good: You're wife is pregnant
- Bad: It's triplets
- Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.