Abdominal Pain Treatment

A guy suffers from extreme abdominal pain and sees a doctor. The doctor says that medicated rectal inserts should rectify the problem. After performing the initial insertion, the doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed. That night, the man asks his wife to help him. His wife puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him and inserts the medicine. He lets out a wail. "Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No -- I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

Cost of Living

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

Spouse Respect

I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.