Relationship Jokes - Man Criticizes Woman

While paying bills, John's wife comes home one day, furious, and exclaims, "somebody stole my credit card!"  John consoled his wife and went back to work, not missing a beat.  

His wife gets even more furious, wanting to know what he is going to do about it.  John looks up from his computer and calmly replies, "Nothing."  His wife responds, "Why!?!"  

"Because he's spending less than you do!"

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?" He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight." She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?" He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex". That's when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the act you whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter pussy than you", then try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk. The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.