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The best jokes and joke writers!

Responsible Husband

My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

On Divorce

  • Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached. 
  • Tis better to have loved and lost, than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
  • What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
  • My ex-wife is like a good laxative.  She irritates the shit out of you.
  • Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
  • Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
  • Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
  • When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
  • Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days?
  • Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
  • When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
  • Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled, "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits... I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
  • Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house...."
  • What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
  • I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
  • How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
  • What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Market Development

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

All The Right Answers

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away. A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license. He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

A Reason For Divorce

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."