Witness

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.  While in-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, “Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
And because of HIM, I can put an extra $5,000 in our checking account each month." Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold."

Two Preventable Deaths

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

Plant Care

As I was watering the plants, my wife told me
"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".
It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.