Mirror Mirror on the Wall

My wife was standing nude in front of the mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel terrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

Blonde Dating

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Birthday Present for Wife

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her. The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa. The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, "A necklace and a vibrator." "Why?" asks the second man. To which the other man replies, "Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself."