Speeding

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!" 

Cosmetics

Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they smell.

The Ideal Date

IDEAL DATE:

• At 17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• At 25 -  "Split the check before we go back to my place"
• At 35 - "Just come over."
• At 48 - "Just come over and cook."
• At 66 - Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.