Oh Marie

One day at church, John asked Marie out to dinner. She accepted and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner at a very nice restaurant. When they sat down, John said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint.  "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like to get high?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed a motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a hard U-turn and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John woke up first. He tenderly shook Marie and said, "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to drink or do drugs to have a good time.

Can't Win

Johnny comes to school with a black eye.
Teacher: what's wrong?
Johnny: our house is very small, me, my mom and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping. If I say no then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet and don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping... I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my dad and mom start moving, you know, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up and making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mom, "are you coming?"
Mom said: "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered: "Yes."
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too.

Effective Ointment

Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, "My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today." "How does he know this for sure though?" asked the other woman. "Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself."