I Said...I Really Mean

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" 

• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = PMS again.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain.
• I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: 

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.
• "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

The Hotel

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die." That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place." When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. Though, the most amazing thing of all was the elevator. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off. A stooped over little lady, who was 90, approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad. The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."

Dear John, Take Me Back

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.