50th Wedding Anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!" 

Magician's Secret

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?" "I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"

Won't Like It

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"....