Paradox of Woman

• If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
• If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
• If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
• If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
• If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
• If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
• If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
• If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
• If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
• If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
• If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
• If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
• If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
• If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

The Australian Way

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Bubba's Secret

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"