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The best jokes and joke writers!

No Underwear

Q: How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?

A: There's dandruff on his/her shoes.

A Redneck Oil Change

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

  1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
  12. Clean up.
  13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
  16. Beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
  27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
  28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
  29. Begin cussing fit.
  30. Throw wrench. Cuss and complain.
  31. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
  32. Beer.
  33. Beer.
  34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
  35. Beer.
  36. Lower car from jack stands
  37. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
  38. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  39. Test drive car.
  40. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
  41. Car gets impounded.
  42. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me, Some parts to a Mustang GT. On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 2 huntin dawg, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 9 years probation, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 1 Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 1 rasslin tickets, 1 Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 1 pack of Bud, 1 rasslin tickets, 1 Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8 table dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

 

Arms, Heads, IQ

Q: What has 72 arms and 36 heads and has an I.Q. of 12?

A: A redneck bar on friday night

Learn To Speak Southern

 BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum- based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"