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The best jokes and joke writers!

Redneck Teaching Sex Ed

Q: Why did the redneck school stop teaching sex ed?

A: They needed the car for driver's ed.

Hick Puzzle

Two hicks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat down to solve it. A week later, they finished the puzzle. "Well, that didn't take so durn long," said one of them. "Naw, it didn't. 'Specially considering it says 3-5 years on the box."

NASCAR

What does NASCAR stand for?
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks

True Redneck Girl

Q: How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?

A: When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

  • "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
  • "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

  • "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
  • "This'll jar your preserves."
  • "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

  • "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
  • "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
  • "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

  • "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
  • "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
  • Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

  • A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
  • When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
  • If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
  • "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
  • A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

  • "She's uglier than homemade soap."
  • "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
  • "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
  • "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
  • "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
  • Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."