Redneck Teaching Sex Ed
Q: Why did the redneck school stop teaching sex ed?
A: They needed the car for driver's ed.
Two hicks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat down to solve it. A week later, they finished the puzzle. "Well, that didn't take so durn long," said one of them. "Naw, it didn't. 'Specially considering it says 3-5 years on the box."
What does NASCAR stand for?
True Redneck Girl
Q: How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?
A: When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.
- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
- "This'll jar your preserves."
- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things & Compliments:
- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
- "Gooder than grits."
- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
- "She's uglier than homemade soap."
- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
- Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."