That Time Again

A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day.  He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat.  He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H.  He put on the blue light and pulled the car over.  He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons."  The officer was sympathetic.  He just said, "How about slowing it down."  So the guy sped off.  A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH  The officer gave him the blue light to.  Again, the same scenario.  The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The guy had the same story.  "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons."  This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one.  He said, "Just slow it down."  No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window.  He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!"  The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."

Leroy's Homework Assignment...

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.  Here's what he handed in:
HONOR ROLL - We was playing poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."
OMELET - Every time I start a new job, OMELET go after a week.
STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."
DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"
COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"
FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!
BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"
COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."
DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Redneck Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
 
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
 
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
 
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.