Q: If Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Dan Quayle, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
New Language Courses in Ameirca
New languages being taught in America:
- Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
- Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
- Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
- Italio-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
- Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
- Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
- Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
- Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
- Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
- Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
- Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
- Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
- German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
- Canadian-American Speak -- EH?onics
- Florida Democratic Voters Speak -- Moronics
Joe Biden's Deal
Joe Biden was getting ready for a Covid Halloween party when the Devil suddenly appeared and made him an offer.
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, POTUS in 24, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Biden was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
If you came across a capsized boat with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing them or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Clinton in Hell
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"