We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Marion Barry Quotes

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry:

  • "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
  • "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
  • "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
  • "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
  • "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
  • "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
  • "I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
  • "People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
  • "The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
  • "I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
  • "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
  • "People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
  • "I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

Grass Roots Support

They just found out Clinton's been stuffing turf in his underpants. They're for grass roots support.

The Whole World Could be Happy

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force One on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.  Bill turned to them and said, "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." 

Hillary, thinking this was a good idea, replied, "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy?" 

Al turned to them both and responded, "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper extremely happy."

Not to be out done, Tipper quipped, "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

Air Force One Crashes

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Andy Rooney Quotes

  • Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  • I am in shape. Round's a shape!
  • Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  • Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.