Monica and Bob

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?

1. They're both upset Clinton finished first.
2. They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence.
3. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

Clueless

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.” “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.” Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon

Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
"Jaws of Life" in trunk.
The hood ornament?
An ostrich with its head in the sand.
When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.