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The best jokes and joke writers!

Old Man and Viagra

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?"He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Home Depot Warning

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one Caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead, ask for a ride to McDonald's. Ok, this is when it really gets scary.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen MAY 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also JUNE 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely it will happen again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).

Leave a Specimen

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. "Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said. The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?" "No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"

You Know You're Middle Aged If...

  • You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
  • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
  • You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
  • You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
  • You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
  • You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
  • Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
  • You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
  • You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
  • You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
  • As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
  • You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
  • You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
  • Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
  • The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
  • You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
  • You know what Earth Shoes are.
  • You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
  • Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
  • On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

Can't do

"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out. "I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.